


white blank page

by calnben



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Falling In Love, Hurt Callum "Halfway" Highway, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Jealous Ben, Jealousy, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love, they are both human disasters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28831449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calnben/pseuds/calnben
Summary: "I'm in love with you.""Uh..."or, after years of friendship Callum tells Ben he's in love with him.It all goes wrong from there.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 8
Kudos: 81





	white blank page

**Author's Note:**

> Helllllllloo, 
> 
> this is gonna be a journey and a lot of angst. 
> 
> title taken from the song white blank page by mumford & sons

"I love you." Callum had said, from where he stood only a few steps away from Ben in their kitchen. 

Ben had glanced up from where he had been pushing around the remaining cereal in his bowl, his eyes softening as he looked directly at Callum, "I love you too, Cal." Before he carried on with his breakfast, after all, he had been best friends with Callum since they were fifteen, it wouldn't be the first time Callum said that. 

It was Callum's frustrated, "No." That had Ben looking up again, this time frowning. "No, uh, i love you as in _i am in love with you_." 

"Uh..."

The silence between them was almost painful as Callum watched Ben's face transform into a look of understanding, before he paled. Callum was white knuckling the kitchen counter behind him, looking like he was five seconds away from darting and Ben didn't want that. 

Because Ben knew what this type of thing did to friendships and Ben couldn't lose Callum, loosing his best friend would be his greatest agony. 

"You-" Ben started, trying to find the right words but as soon as he started, it came to nothing. Because maybe he had hoped it was joke and Callum was simply in one of his wind up moods and in a couple of minutes the brunette would burst out laughing, Ben was desperate for that. However, he only needed to take one look at Callum's pained expression to believe him. "You love me as in?" 

Callum's expression grew more defeated as he realised he had to repeat it, clearly the first time had been hard enough. "In love." Callum confirmed, his face going through stages of grief although he didn't look surprised. "I kept trying to tell you..." 

However, Ben was cutting him off, desperate to wipe that heartbroken expression off his best friends face. After all, Ben was not the one who broke Callum's heart, Ben was the one that punched that asshole ex of Callum's who cheated on him and who laid in bed with him watching movies whenever a relationship went wrong. 

Ben was not the one who hurt Callum. 

"How long?" Ben asked. 

Callum shrugged, finally breaking eye contact as he focused on the hole on his t-shirt sleeve. "A while." Callum sounded guilty, as if he should apologies for even telling Ben this. "Maybe a part of me always has, but i've known for certain since the crash you were in with Jay."

Ben's heart spiked with pain as he blurted out, "That was ages ago!" 

Callum just shrugged, looking emotionally exhausted as he refused to look back up. Ben couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing. "Cal..." 

"Don't." Callum cut him off, sounding desperate and Ben had no choice but to listen to him. "Please, just...I need this one thing from you." 

Ben would do anything right now to fix this, his mind was swarmed with his greatest fear which was loosing his best friend. He had met Callum when he was fifteen, full of teen angst and genuinely angry at the world. Callum was a bright light that came into his light and it had taken them no time at all to become best friends, doing almost everything together and it was still the same now as they were in their mid twenties. 

They even shared this flat together, Ben had never thought about their friendship breaking until now. 

Ben nodded, encouraging Callum. "Anything." 

Callum let out a breath, although the relief didn't come with it. "Can you..." He paused, forcing himself to look up at Ben and he felt an overwhelming feeling of sickness when he noticed Callum's eyes were rimmed red. "I am driving myself insane being like this, everyday i sit and think _hey maybe there's a possibility_ and other days i tell myself i'm kidding myself. So, i need you to tell me that you've never thought of us like that and you don't see me like that." 

Ben had never been in this position before. Sure, he had dumped people and he had been dumped, but every time it felt right. This time, he hurt for Callum. 

When Callum gained no response, he pushed. "Please, Ben." He half begged. "You've never thought of me that way, right?"

Ben paused, thinking of their friendship. Callum was the one who let Ben climb through his window when they were teenagers whenever Ben needed time away from the Mitchells, Callum is the one who supported Ben when he came out, Callum is the one who carried an extra hoodie in his backpack whenever they went out because Ben was too stubborn to admit he got cold, but Callum always brought one and Ben always accepted it ( _because he did in fact, get cold_ ). 

His mind was pulling him in multiple directions, and for a moment he questioned what he should say to Callum as he stared back at his best friend. 

However, he forced himself to reply and simply shook his head. 

He watched the pain flash across Callum's face and he instantly wanted to take it back. However, Callum was straightening his back and nodding to himself, trying to mend his own heart right in front of Ben's eyes. 

"That's okay." Callum assured, the side of his lip quirking slightly in an attempt to give Ben a reassuring smile. It failed. "I just...I needed to hear that." 

Ben wished he hadn't. As selfish as he seemed, he wished Callum had never told him and they were just two best friends that always had each others backs. 

Now, something had changed. 

"You know." Ben spoke up, trying to control his shaky voice. He was stood up now, although unsure if he could even go near Callum. "You're my favourite person in the entire world, Cal. You're my best friend." 

Callum nodded, forcing himself to smile although Ben knew he was only doing that for his benefit. Callum was in pain and Ben had never been the cause of that pain...Until now. 

"All i want is for you to be happy." He continued, desperate for Callum to understand that he was his best friend and when Callum hurt, Ben hurt alongside him. "I'm sorry." 

Callum was shaking his head, looking distraught at the fact Ben thought he should say sorry for not giving Callum the answer his best friend clearly wanted. "You don't need to say sorry, Ben. This is shit." _You can say that again,_ "But i just needed to know it can never happen." 

At the sight of a tear rolling down Callum's cheek, Ben felt suddenly breathless. He stepped forward in an attempt to soothe Callum, however the pain became almost unbearable as he saw Callum flinch at his movement. Callum has never rejected Ben's touch before, _hell,_ their friends accused them of being joined at the hip because they always had an arm thrown over each others shoulder and when they had movie nights with the others, Ben and Callum would share a chair. 

Would they not be able to do that anymore?

Ben had to watch as Callum cried, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, hiding from Ben and he hated that. 

He hoped that this was one big nightmare and he would wake up in a couple of minutes and Callum would be stood in their kitchen, humming along to the radio and not stood in front of Ben completely heartbroken right now. 

They stood there quietly for a few minutes, Ben watching Callum's every movement while Callum avoided Ben all together. 

He looked up at Ben once again and smiled, although the bloodshot eyes were a reminder. "I should-" Callum started, motioning towards the front door and Ben's heart started to beat a little too fast. "I can go." 

The suggestion alone was enough to put Ben's mind into overdrive. Was this how they were going to be now? Avoiding each other, Callum hiding from Ben because he couldn't bare being in the same flat as him never mind room?

"Please don't." Ben found himself saying, Callum looking somewhat surprised. "Don't leave." 

Please don't leave me alone, you're the only constant thing i've had in my life since the age of fifteen. The only person who has never judged me for simply being me, the only person that i trust wholeheartedly. 

"I thought you might need some space..." Callum offered, still looking guilty. Ben wished Callum knew how guilty he felt inside. 

"Never." _Not from you,_ was left unsaid. "C'mon, it's me and you. I'm your best friend, you don't have to hide from me." 

Callum looked slightly unsure, but nodded anyway. Ben tried not to show how relieved he truly was. 

They ended up watching a rerun of an old friends episode. Callum was draped across the chair, curled in on himself while Ben watched him from the sofa, trying to figure out a way to fix this. 

He was thankful when he heard a small laugh from Callum as his friend was distracted by the episode. However, Ben was too busy being distracted to join in, obsessing over the tear tracks that had been left on Callum's face. 

"Cal?" He found himself speaking up. Callum turned his head to look at him, looking concerned for a moment.

"I do love you." Ben said. Maybe not in the way Callum needs, but Ben would always be Callum's best friend. 

Callum smiled at the corner of his mouth, trying to reassure Ben that they were okay. 

Ben's only hope was that he could fix this. 

\-- 

The next couple of days that followed were not okay. 

As much as he disputed the claims that he was, Callum was pulling away from Ben. Before, Callum would walk into the kitchen with his best smile on his face and shout _morning!_ much to Ben's displeasure, as he was not the morning person in their friendship. 

They would talk, laugh and actually get close to each other. Callum was also the type to steal Ben's half eaten toast from his plate. 

That? Apparently that was gone. 

Ben had never been so desperate to hear one of Callum's bad jokes, anything that would indicate that their friendship was still in tact. 

He had managed to corner Callum after work on the Thursday. Ben was still in his suit from the car lot, however his cufflinks were undone from where he had been nervously messing about while he stared at the front door, waiting for Callum to walk through. 

At exactly 5:30pm, Callum had walked through the door in his own work clothes and Ben had almost knocked him over with the speed he rushed over to greet him with. "Uh, hi?" Callum laughed as he moved his body around Ben and dropped his bag on the floor, quirking his eyebrow as Ben followed him down the hallway. "Did you think i was the postman or something? Are you waiting for a parcel?" 

Ben forced himself not to roll his eyes at that. "What?" He huffed, "I can't say hi to my best friend after a long day at work?" 

Callum gave him a look over the glass of orange juice he was drinking before shrugging, carefully changing the subject. "Lola and Jay asked us out for drinks tonight." Callum said, dropping his empty glass in the sink. Ben wanted to argue that going out for drinks with their friends wouldn't fix their friendship. "I said we'd go." 

Well, if this meant he would get to spend time with Callum, he'd go anywhere right now. 

"Okay, we can do that." Ben smiled, before adding. "Just as long as you buy the crisps." 

Callum chuckled as he pulled his tie off, winking at Ben in that way he did that really wasn't a wink but Ben would never correct him. 

Seeing the smile on Callum's face, Ben thought _maybe we will be okay._

However, "Lola knows." Callum spoke up just as he was walking out of the room, his back to Ben. "She knows about...You know." 

_And then they were back to square one._

"Oh." Ben started, suddenly feeling anger at Lola because how long had she known that Callum was hurting? However, he didn't let it show as he didn't want to suggest that Callum shouldn't talk to others about how he feels. As much as Ben loved to support Callum, maybe Ben wasn't the right person in this case. 

Callum shrugged, "I just thought you should know." 

"Does she-uh, does she know you told me?" Ben asked, wanting to know exactly how much their friend knew. 

Callum nodded, "Yeah, i- um, called her after i told you." He shrugged, "Is that okay?" 

Ben pushed aside the slight jealously he felt over Callum going to another of their friends for comfort instead of him. After all, it was always Ben that Callum went to when he was upset...Now it was Lola? 

"Of course." Ben managed a smile. 

Callum smiled back, in that awkward way they had been doing lately. Just as Callum went to start walking out of the room, Ben spoke quickly. "Are we okay?" 

Callum turned to look back at Ben, trying to reassure him with his smile. "We are okay." He added, "I promise." 

Ben forced himself to believe that this wasn't tearing them apart. 

When they turned up to the pub Lola and Jay were already sat in their usual seats.

Callum waved over to Mick and Linda behind the bar before trailing after Ben. 

Ben couldn't help but notice the look of sadness on Lola's face as he stared back at them both. Ben hated that, he didn't want her pity, he didn't want anybodies pity he just wanted everything to go back to normal to when they were Callum and Ben, best friends and nothing more. 

Ben gave her a look as if to warn her facial expression away, he didn't want anything to upset Callum. 

Thankfully, Jay led the conversation, talking to Callum about the football scores and asking Ben about work. The conversations were going okay and that was okay, Callum even knocked into Ben's shoulder a couple of times and didn't look like Ben's touch alone had just burnt him. 

It was when Jay dragged Callum over for a game of darts that Ben's blood pressure started to rise again. 

"When did he tell you?" Ben asked, although he didn't look at Lola as he asked, instead his eyes remained on Callum's back. 

Lola was quiet for a few seconds before she sighed, "A couple of months ago." He dropped his head into his hands, waiting for her to continue. "He was drunk, he didn't mean too. I think he'd have kept it a secret forever if he could have." 

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, sounding frustrated. 

She didn't like that, judging by her narrowed eyes. "I wasn't going to do that to him." She snapped, and as upset as Ben was, he was thankful that Callum had loyal friends like Lola around him. "He was crying when he told me, Ben. Terrified of telling you, it was not mine to tell." 

He couldn't really ague with that, so his eyes moved back to Callum. 

His lip quirked slightly as he watched Mick playfully put Callum into a headlock, messing with his hair as Callum laughed. 

"I don't know what to do, Lo." He admitted, "He's hurt. I think he's mad at me?" 

Lola looked at him as if he was crazy for that comment, shaking her head. "Callum is not mad at you, Ben." She said, "There's not one bone in that boy's body that could ever hate you, okay? He isn't mad at you, in fact, he knew you wouldn't match his feelings." 

Ben found himself frowning at that, as Lola added. "He's quiet because he thinks he's ruined your friendship." She sighed, "You're as bad as each other. C'mon, this is you and Callum, you can survive this." 

Ben shrugged, chewing at the inside of his mouth. "He's my best friend." 

Just as he said that, Callum turned around and caught his eye, giving him a quick smile before returning to his game with Jay. 

_They'd be okay_ , because they were each others best friends. 

\--

A week or so passed, slowly but it happened. 

They fell back into their usual routine, brushing their teeth beside each other as they got ready for work in the mornings, chatting over breakfast, falling asleep on the sofa after work while watching some sitcom. 

It was a Saturday night and Lola had definitely supplied them all with one too many drinks, judging by the way Callum was currently playing a clumsy game of snap with Jay while Lola carried another load of shots in their direction. 

Ben decided he wasn't the lightweight of their friendship group and stabilised Lola when she almost took a tumble. 

For a moment, Ben had forgotten about what had been going on between him and Callum these past couple of weeks and they had just been best friends again. Best friends and not two people who were currently tiptoeing around each other out of fear of making the other uncomfortable. 

Ben would do anything to fix them, so listening to Lola's suggestion was one of them. 

"You know Callum." She slurred, tugging Callum away from Ben by throwing an arm over him. "You've got a pretty face, real pretty." 

Callum laughed, clearly blushing. 

"You know what they say, sometimes the best way to get over something is to get under somebody else-" Ben looked up from where he had been aimlessly staring at his drink to glare in Lola's direction. Callum was too sweet, often too quiet that Ben suddenly felt like cornering Callum into getting with somebody else to force himself to fall out of love with Ben was a terrible idea. 

"Lola..." He warned, but was ignored. 

"I don't think you realise how gorgeous you are." She pointed out, and Ben wasn't about to curse her out for that. His best friend was gorgeous, from the colour of his eyes to his hair that somehow always sat perfectly in place. "All i am saying...We could sign you up to tinder!" 

"Half of the people on Tinder are not to be trusted." Ben butted in, and Lola glared back at him, knowing that Callum often ranks Ben's opinion higher than anybody else's. If Ben told Callum not to sign up to a dating site, Callum would listen. 

"So?" Lola pushed, "We can sit in the background on a date and if they try anything...You can punch them." 

Callum sighed, clearly not all drunk. "Okay, Ben doesn't need to punch anybody." He assured, "I can handle myself." 

The conversation changed from there. However, Ben was still stuck on the thought of Callum actually signing up to Tinder and possibly meeting somebody. Maybe Callum would meet his person, maybe it would be a good thing. 

The next morning he found Callum curled up on the sofa, a blanket thrown over him and Toy Story on the TV. Ben smiled as he walked further into the room, making his presence known as Callum looked up with tired eyes, clearly hungover. 

"Shift over." Ben sighed, waiting until Callum moved on the sofa to leave a space for Ben. As soon as there was a space Ben lifted Callum's blanket and covered himself with it too, leaning against Callum's side as they fell into a comfortable silence. 

It only took Ben around five minutes to realise he might be the problem. 

Maybe Lola was right last night, about Callum needing to move on and maybe Ben coming into a room and laying on Callum wasn't helping his best friend. Ben had always done this, he had even shared a bed with Callum enough of the times in his life, they were close anyone could see that but maybe that was the problem. Maybe Callum wouldn't really move on as long as Ben continued to do things like this. 

However, when he felt Callum's hand carefully ringing his fingers through his hair as they watched the movie, he's not sure he had the strength to put the distance between them. 

"Ben?" He opened his eyes as he heard Callum speak, his best friend almost sounding uncertain as he spoke. 

From where he was resting his head against Callum's cheek, Ben looked up so he could see Callum's face from where he was laying. "What's wrong?" 

"I've been thinking." Callum started, looking nervous. "About the moving on thing..." 

Ben sat up, on sudden defence. "Is this because of what Lola said to you?" He asked, "Because don't listen to her...You're fine, we are fine." He wasn't sure if he was convincing Callum or himself. 

Callum smiled slightly, "Nah, i mean...Lola helped." He shrugged, "But i do think that now i know the answer...That i really need to move on, i can't keep pining for you. We spend all our time together, you're my emotional support...You're the only one i go too." 

Ben frowned, knowing exactly where this was going. 

"I think that maybe putting myself out there, might help." Callum offered, almost looking nervous as he waited for Ben's reply. 

Ben didn't know what to say. Was Callum looking for a long term relationship? What would that mean for them? After all, like Callum said they spend all of their time together, that wouldn't be able to happen anymore. 

It wouldn't be Callum and Ben anymore...It would be Ben and then Callum and his boyfriend. 

Maybe Callum would move out, get married, start a family-

And he really needed to stop his mind right now. 

"Ben?" Callum repeated, realising he hadn't replied yet.

"So you mean like going on dates?" Ben asked, wanting to be sure that this was actually happening right now. 

Callum nodded slightly, the movie behind them completely ignored. " Yeah." Callum nodded, "Is that dumb?" 

Ben's eyes softened and he wanted to tell Callum that nothing he has ever said has been dumb. "Of course not." Ben promised, despite the ache in his chest. "I just want us to be okay, Cal." 

He smiled, Callum's eyes returning to the TV as Ben dropped his head back against Callum's chest, biting down on his lip. 

He could feel Callum's chest vibrate whenever he laughed at the movie, although Ben stopped paying attention a long time ago, 

Suddenly he felt like he was loosing his favourite person and that was heartbreak in itself. 

\---

Apparently Lola was right and Callum would be easily snapped up on a dating site. 

Ben hated it. 

"What about this guy? He's fit." Ben looked up from where he had been moodily watching the office in the corner of the room. Lola was sat at their kitchen table with Callum, holding his best friends phone. 

Callum shrugged, looking unsure. "He's blonde. Not my type." Ben smiled into his cup of coffee. 

"You're so picky." She sighed, "Oh! This one is a doctor." 

Without much thought, Ben placed his mug down on the counter a little too hard and walked up to them both. Callum suddenly looked a whole lot more nervous as he noticed Ben walking in his direction, frowning he snatched the phone out of Lola's hand. 

"That's a no." Ben decided for them, before dropping the phone back onto the table. 

Lola raised her eyebrow at him. 

"Are we going to sit here all day or are we going to get food?" Ben asked, looking directly at Ben. 

Of course, Callum instantly got up and Ben couldn't help but feel a sense of success, ignoring the frown Lola sent his way as she could see right through him. 

Callum however, he was too sweet and too in love with Ben to be able to notice what Ben was doing was selfish. 

\-- 

A few weeks passed and Ben had thought he had gotten away with it. 

Thats until they met Sam, _fucking Sam,_ with his dark hair and long legs and Ben believed in hate at first sight. 

Sam wasn't good enough for Callum, he knew that the second he laid eyes on him. 

It had been a Saturday afternoon and Callum had dragged Ben out of bed so they could go get their weekly shopping, much to Ben's pain. 

As Callum walked through the isles at a face pace, throwing what they needed into the cart. Ben followed after at a much slower pace, pushing the cart as _that's literally your only job Ben._

He had taken his eyes off Callum for only a few moments, distracted by a new brand of sauce and when he had turned his head to look back at Callum he frowned. Because a guy was pretty close to Callum, too close for this being their first meeting. Callum however, was laughing at something this guy had said and as soon as Ben's brain caught up with him, he turned the cart and headed straight into their direction. 

"Hey, Cal." He said in a matter of factly tone. "You alright?" 

Callum looked in between him and this new girl before smiling, "Oh yeah, uh.." He paused, "This is Sam...Sam this is Ben, my best friend." 

Sam as polite as ever, held his hand out for Ben. "Nice to meet you, mate."

Ben managed a smile, although Callum would be able to figure out that it was fake. Sam however, remained oblivious. "Yeah, you too." Was all he said before he was looking back at Callum, "You ready to go?" 

Ben knew Callum and he knew that if Ben walked away now, Callum would follow. Ben hated that he liked that so much. 

"Yeah." Callum smiled and walked over so he was beside Ben instead of Sam now. Ben wanted to grin. 

However, his smile dropped as he heard Sam say to Callum, "I'll give you a text about those drinks." 

He wouldn't deny that he dragged Callum out of that supermarket afterwards. 

\--

Watching Callum get ready for a date was interesting to say the least. 

He was laying on Callum's bed, watching as his best friend looked through his entire wardrobe before sighing, giving up and throwing himself down beside Ben on the bed. 

Ben wanted to tell Callum to sack off the date and stay home with him, they could watch a movie, cook...do anything as long as Callum just stays. 

"Can i wear one of your shirts?" Callum asked, which caused Ben to raise his eyebrow. 

"Firstly, you always stretch my shirts out. You are too big for them." Ben pointed out, ignoring the look of offence that flashed across Callum's face. 

"You steal all my hoodies and shirts all the time." Callum argued back, and he couldn't exactly reject that claim. He was literally wearing Callum's hoodie right now. 

"You are not wearing my shirt to go on a date with that Steven-" 

"His name is Sam." Callum corrected with a huff. 

Deciding not to be that guy, Ben pulled himself up from the bed and trailed over to the mess Callum made on the floor. He looked through his shirts for him, holding up a light blue one that happened to be his favourite on Callum. There was no way he was letting Callum go on a date with Sam in Ben's favourite shirt. He dropped the shirt back onto the pile and instead picked up a plaid one, shrugging. "You look good in this." 

"Isn't that too casual?" Callum questioned, as he pulled the top he was currently wearing off and slipped the plaid one on. 

Apparently Callum looked good in everything, he was fucked. 

"Where's he talking you? The Ritz?" Ben joked, although secretly hoped Sam wasn't the type of guy who could impress Callum with money, money that Ben didn't have. He shut that thought down almost instantly knowing that Callum wasn't the type of guy that needed money to impress him and for the fact that Ben was starting to sound like a jealous boyfriend. 

It only got worst when Callum had to leave. 

Suddenly Ben could imagine nothing but Callum not coming home tonight, not coming back to Ben.

Because that might actually kill him, if Callum doesn't come home that means he likes Sam and if he likes Sam then that might mean he is in the process of moving on from Ben. When Callum told him that he was in love with him all Ben had wanted to do was for Callum to take it back, to say he was lying. 

Now however, the thought of Callum actually moving on was an unwelcome feeling. 

Why did Ben suddenly feel jealous over the idea of Callum falling out of love with him and falling in love with somebody else? 

Sure, Ben knew that this Sam guy was second best. Callum was trying to get over Ben by exploring a relationship with somebody else, he was a rebound and he wasn't Ben. However, Ben couldn't help but think about it working, Callum moving on and marrying somebody else and leaving Ben behind. 

Because for Ben, his family has always been Callum. 

Sure, he has both parents in his life and his siblings. However, he wasn't exactly brought up in a stable home. Callum was the only person who loved him for him, and now he was going to lose him. 

"Text me if you need me." Callum offered as he slipped his jacket on. 

Ben who was laying across the sofa in his sweats with a rerun of come dine with me in the background, looked up and narrowed his eyes. "I don't need a babysitter." Ben instantly regretted his harsh tone at the look on Callum's face. His face softened straight away, desperate to fix that expression. "Sorry...Just not feeling very well."

Straight away Callum was walking over to him and pressing his hand against his forehead, checking for a temperature. "Do you want me to stay at home?" Callum asked, "We can just chill here? Order food?" 

As much as Ben wanted Callum to stay, he knew the only reason Callum was offering because he was in love with Ben. 

And that was the problem. Ben couldn't be selfish now. 

"I'll be okay, you go."Ben promised, squeezing Callum's hand. 

For a moment they just stared at their joined hands, before Ben forced himself to pull away. 

_What the fuck was wrong with him?_

Ben hadn't even bothered to hide his smile when Callum returned home a couple of hours later with some leftovers from the restaurant. 

Callum went on a couple more dates with Sam. 

Ben thought he would get better with time, turns out it got worse. 

When Callum had brought Sam with him to The Vic, that's when Ben decided that alcohol was his new best friend. 

"So, what do you think about Sam?" Jay asked once it was just the two of them at the table. Callum and Lola had dragged Sam over to the bar, they were in the middle of a conversation with Mick and Linda. It was clear that Sam was winning them all around, Ben didn't know why that pissed him off so much. Also, this was the first time that Callum wasn't by his side and Ben decided that he really hated it. 

"Alright." Ben shrugged, deciding that was a good enough response. 

Jay clearly didn't agree. "Come on, out with it." He sighed, "What's wrong with Sam?" 

Ben watched Callum's face. He was smiling, Ben's favourite sight but that was because he was usually smiling at Ben. Ben wanted to ask Jay if Callum smiled at Sam the same way he smiled at Ben, he really hoped not. 

"Nothing, he's clearly perfect." Ben muttered as he leant over to where Lola had left her drink and downed that, cringing at the taste. 

It was going to be a long night. 

Ben was drunk, at least he realised that. 

He was sat on the bench outside of The Vic with his head in his hands, attempting to calm down from the inner annoyance he felt. The entire night he had watched Sam try to worm his way into his best friends life, trying to win him around and Ben hated him. 

Because this was going to be the guy who would do it, who Ben would lose Callum too. 

The entire night Callum had sent Ben longing looks, giving Ben those eyes that Ben would never be able to refuse. He was upsetting Callum and doing the one thing that he told himself he never wanted to do. 

All because Ben was starting to question himself. 

When he told Callum they could never happen, he had believed himself. 

Until he didn't. 

Because Callum's always been Ben's everything and Ben always thought that it was normal to adore your best friend in the way Ben loves Callum. Now however? Maybe Callum was on to something. 

"Ben what was that?" He sighed as he looked up to see a hurt Callum stood in front of him and Ben remembered that before he stormed out of the pub he had been a dick to Sam who had simply been trying to talk to him. He figures that's why Callum is stood in front of him right now looking upset. 

Instead of getting into a fight with his best friend, he decided to stand up and attempt to walk away from Callum. Which failed. 

"Why are you walking away from me?" Callum asked, sounding as confused as Ben felt. How was Ben supposed to explain to Callum that since Callum told him that he loved him, all Ben has done is question himself. 

When he told Callum that there was no chance of them ever being something more than friends, Ben hadn't thought he was lying. 

Now however, all Ben could think about was how Callum has always been his everything. He adored him and maybe he had been blind this entire time. However, even if Ben is in love with Callum, the nicest thing he could do for his best friend was let him move on, Callum deserved the best and that wasn't Ben. 

"Go back inside Callum." Ben said through gritting teeth, because in his drunken state all he wanted to do was beg Callum to leave Sam behind and come home with him. 

"Why are you being like this?" 

"Callum." Ben snapped, surprising both of them. "Go back inside to your boyfriend and leave me the fuck alone." 

Callum stepped back as if he had been physically slapped, his face fallen and he looked so hurt. 

" _Ben_." He said so quietly that Ben hated himself. 

"I said go back to him." 

"He's not my boyfriend." Callum corrected, _no but he will be_ Ben thought. "Why are you leaving?" 

Ben shook his head, "I ain't doing this right now." 

"Why are you acting like a jealous boyfriend?" Callum shouted, finding his voice. "Why are you pulling away from me? Is it because i told you i loved you? Because i am sorry, i am sorry if it made you uncomfortable, i am sorry if you don't look at me the same anymore-" 

_Please stop-_

"I'm trying Ben, really trying." He pleaded, "I don't want to lose you, you are my best friend." 

"And you're mine Callum." Ben still sounded distant, desperate to get away from Callum before he did something stupid like admit to him that he was confused. "Just go back to him." 

"Ben-" 

"Jesus Callum, what is wrong with you? Why aren't you listening to me?" He was shouting now, he knew he was drunk because he would never speak to Callum like this normally. "You can't follow me around everywhere. I am surprised you are out here, after all, for someone who claims to be in love with me you really are having a great time with that guy in there-" 

Callum looked destroyed, but Ben kept pushing. "Why are you saying that to me." 

_Because i am jealous and i don't know why._

"We are done here." Ben huffed, turning to walk around but Callum pulled on his arm. 

"Don't walk away from me." Callum said. 

"Just leave me alone." And that's when he felt a pair of arms pulling him away, he realised it was Jay and Lola pulling at Callum. Ben turned to look at a group of their nosy neighbours who were watching their argument who had most likely heard Ben announce to the whole square that Callum was in love with him. 

Ben watched as Lola wrapped a comforting arm around Callum and started to walk him away from Ben, Ben wanted to shout at her to stop and bring Callum back to him. 

"Callum can stay at ours tonight." Jay said, keeping a tight grip on Ben's arm. "You need to go home and sleep this off, you are going to regret this in the morning." 

Ben pushed his friend off him and tried to see where Lola had taken Callum, but they were no longer in sight. 

"I want Callum." He admitted, although he didn't know what he was admitting too. Jay clearly took it as Ben wanted Callum back now to apologise. 

"You need to go home and sleep." He said. "Callum will be with us." 

As he walked away, Ben pulled out his phone and clicked on Callum's contact, seeing the photo of them where they were both smiling at the camera and looking happy. As he tried to ring Callum, he was sent straight to voicemail. 

That was heartbreak in itself. 

\--

Ben woke to somebody getting into bed beside him. For a moment Ben just laid there, confused until he figured out that there could only be one person who would be getting into bed with him right now. 

Turning his head, his suspicions were confirmed as he saw Callum laying beside him, looking as tired as Ben felt. 

"Cal?" He breathed out, not trusting his own voice right now. Judging by the lighting in the room, it was barley morning- if Ben was a betting man he would say that it was around 5am, but at least he no longer felt drunk and the couple of hours he had of sleep had worked to some extent. 

Callum looked surprised that Ben woke up, looking sheepish. 

"I'm sorry." They both said at the same time. 

Ben frowned, "You have nothing to be sorry for." He hoped Callum understood that. "I was the idiot, i didn't mean to shout at you...I was just drunk." And jealous. 

"Still..." Callum whispered, sounding unsure. "You seemed pretty upset." 

Ben shrugged and turned fully so he was facing Callum in bed. This wasn't unusual for them, they had shared a bed multiple times however this was the first time since Callum told Ben he loved him. Suddenly Ben felt like he wasn't allowed to touch Callum, despite him only wanting to do exactly that now. 

"About Sam..." Callum started, but Ben was already cutting him off. 

"Nah, look i'm sorry." Ben sighed, "I can apologise to him." 

Callum leaned back against the pillow and shrugged, "I don't think we are going to work out anyway." Callum admitted, just as Ben started to beat a little faster. "He's nice and all but..." 

As much as Ben should encourage Callum to give the other guy a chance, he just remained silent. 

"Think he thinks i'm a little distracted elsewhere." 

Ben frowned, wishing he wasn't causing these problems for Callum. 

Seeing Ben's frown, Callum curled up further into the bed and sighed. "Can i stay in this bed?" 

Knowing Callum needed his best friend now, not the guy he was in love with, just like he would have always done before everything changed he held his arm out for Callum. Content, Callum shuffled over in the bed and let Ben pull him closer. 

It didn't take Callum long to fall asleep, his head resting on Ben's shoulder. As soon as his breathing evened out, Ben turned to look at him, studying his facial features from his eyelashes to every mark on his forehead. 

Carefully with the intent not to wake Callum, Ben lifted his hand and gently and touched Callum's cheek, feeling nothing but regret. 

Regret because he had told Callum that they'd never be together, gave Callum the push to move on. 

What was he supposed to do? _I know i said this wouldn't happen but i might have been lying-_

Trying to give himself a break from his own mind, he moved down but kept a tight hold around Callum as he forced himself to close his eyes and forget about the fact he might love his best friend back. 

Life moved on...Kinda. 

Both Callum and Ben threw themselves into work, only bumping into each other at dinner time. 

Suddenly the distance created between them was the worst thing ever and Ben wanted nothing more to rewind time and tell Callum that he doesn't have to go on date with guys who weren't Ben and Callum wasn't wrong to believe their relationship was more than friendship. 

Once again, it was when Ben was drunk that it all went horribly wrong. 

He had been out with Jay and had gotten in around 12am with the assumption that Callum would be asleep. 

He wasn't. 

Instead Callum was laying across the sofa watching...Master Chef? In a pair of Ben's PJ pants that were definitely too short for him and a Walford Pride t-shirt. He startled when he felt Ben's hand on his shoulder, clearly in a trance while watching TV. 

"You're home." He smiled as he wiped the sleep from his eyes. 

"Missed me?" Ben smirked as he dropped down beside Callum, dropping his head down on Callum's chest. 

"Always." Callum laughed, although Ben knew that he was being honest. "where'd you go?" 

Ben shrugged, not bothered about what he did when he was without Callum, "Ruby's." Before he turned to look at the TV, "What season is this?" 

"Why do you smell like smoke?" Callum asked, clearly ignoring Ben's question. Ben vaguely remembered a guy smoking outside of the bar who had tried it on with Ben, and usually Ben would be able to flirt back. Tonight however, he had basically told the guy to fuck off and received a look of confusion from Jay who had dragged him away before he could mouth off any further. 

"No reason." Ben huffed, sounding disinterested before he sat up again. "Can we go to bed?" 

Ben watched as a look of confusion plastered itself across Callum's face, clearly Ben had came home with an attitude that was questionable. "We can go to bed, yeah." Callum said as he switched off the TV as Ben pulled his boots off, kicking them across the living room in a way he knew Callum would complain about.

As they walked down the hallway to their respectable bedrooms, Ben made the impulsive decision to reach out and grab Callum's hand just as the other man went to turn to walk into his own room. Looking down at where Ben's hand was wrapped around Callum's wrist, Callum frowned before looking up at Ben. 

Ben knew it was wrong, he was drunk and he knew that this would only hurt Callum but the other part of him believed that maybe this wold be the confirmation Ben needed to know he really was in love with Callum. 

Callum looked like he was stuck between his head and his heart as Ben tugged him towards his bedroom, allowing himself to be pulled into Ben's bedroom. 

As soon as they were both stood in there, Ben closed the door behind them despite knowing it was only them in the flat. 

Callum looked like he was about five seconds from running, maybe that's why. 

"Ben?" Callum started in a questioning tone, however Ben was placing his hand on the back of Callum's neck and pulling him in. 

When their lips touched, Ben knew it was the best decision he had ever made as he felt himself sober up. 

He had been kidding himself this entire time, he had really almost let Callum go thinking that he hadn't loved him back this entire time. 

He smiled into the kiss as his mouth parted for Callum's kiss, starting to step backwards and drag Callum with him by the sleeve of his shirt. 

Just as Ben turned them around and pushed Callum down on his bed, he moved to pull his own shirt off. As soon as he did he leant back down and pressed their lips together again, his hand finding Callum's hair as Callum's found his waist. 

However, the moment of bliss was instantly ruined as he felt a push against his chest, followed by a "Stop." From Callum. 

He pulled back with a frown at the sight of Callum's hurt expression? 

"Cal?" He asked. 

"You're drunk." Callum stated. "And i'm only doing it because i love you...So we need to stop." 

"But-" Ben tried to argue, but Callum was already crawling out from under him and leaving the room. 

Well, that had confirmed two things for Ben. 

1\. He was a dick

2\. He was in love with his best friend 

\-- 

Ben wasn't shocked when he woke up the next morning to find Callum's room empty or his converses gone from near the door. 

In fact, Ben had expected this. 

However, he didn't have to worry about where Callum was for long as he unlocked his phone and groaned at the text he saw, _you tried to sleep with your heartbroken best friend?_

So last night hasn’t been a terrible nightmare then? Ben had really kissed Callum when Callum was under the assumption that Ben was only doing it because he was drunk and providing with Callum with some kind of ‘favour’?   
  


_Where is he_? He texted back, hoping that Callum was still with their friends and not somewhere else. 

_Asleep on the sofa.  
_

That’s all Ben needed for him to grab his boots that he had left in the middle of the room the night before and his black jacket, searching around for a pair of keys as Callum was usually the responsible one who had the keys when they left the flat.   
  


Thankfully, Lola and Jay didn't live far from them as Ben rushed across the square, waving off Louise who tried to stop him to talk to him in the process. He would apologise for being a bad brother as soon as his favourite person didn't hate him anymore. 

He was slightly out of breath as he ran up the stairs to Jay and Lola's flat, groaning when he tried the handle, only to find that the front door was locked. Without much care towars his friends neighbours, he banged on the door a little too loudly and waited for a response. 

What he got instead was a phone call from Lola. "Can you be quiet? Callum is actually trying to sleep in here." 

Rolling his eyes, "Let me in then." 

"Don't you think you need space right now?" 

"Space from Callum?" Ben snapped, as if that was the most stupid idea that Lola has ever suggested. "No, i really don't." 

"He was really upset this morning." She sighed, "He thinks your friendship is ruined and he thinks you pity him...You are a dick, you know that?" 

"Yes, i know." Ben huffed, used to that. "Just let me talk to him." 

"Why?" 

"Why are you so protective over Callum?" Ben tried to keep his frustration at bay, because normally he would be thankful that his friends also cared for Callum. However, he didn't like it when it was him they were protecting Callum from. "Let me see him." 

Before Lola could ask why again, because Ben knew it was coming, he shouted, "Because i love him." Ignoring the look one of the neighbours gave him as they walked out of their front door. 

The other end of the call was silent for a few seconds before Ben heard, "Ben?" And that was Callum. 

"You were listening this entire time weren't you?" Ben questioned, unsure if that was a good thing or bad. 

"Uh...yeah." He replied. "Are you mad?" 

He chuckled, pressing his forehead against the closed door in front of him. "No, Cal. Never." He promised. "I'm so sorry." 

"I'm sorry for running." 

"I'm sorry for not realising that i loved you when you told me." Was Ben's response and he heard a loud squeal in the background that could have only come from Lola. "Because i do love you...as in i am in love with you and i have been this entire time." 

What he didn't expect was for Callum to hang up and for Ben to be left in a silent hallway. 

He didn't even have time to try ring Lola's number back before the door was opening and Ben was being stopped from falling forward by a familiar pair of hands and- "Callum!" He said as the other man placed his hands on either side of Ben's face and brought him in for a kiss, this time Ben was fully prepared for. 

Out of all the places that Ben expected for him and Callum to get together in, it was not Lola's flat corridor, but somehow it was perfect. 

"I love you too." Callum breathed out, before their lips were reattaching and Callum was getting pressed against the wall. 

"I'm so glad i don't need to use tinder anymore." Callum admitted as they pulled apart, trying to catch their breaths. 

Ben smiled as he pulled on Callum's bottom up, "Yeah, let's delete that asap." He smirked, "It's just me and you now." 

Callum looked delighted at that. 

It was only when he forced himself to pull away from Callum that he realised Jay and Lola were stood in the background, looking overly proud of both of them and he is pretty sure that Lola even snapped a picture. 

"Wanna go home?" He smirked as he held his hand out for Callum, ignoring the laugh he got in response from Lola. 

Callum looked down at their entwined fingers and grinned, "More than anything." 

\---

"Changed your mind?" Callum asked from where he was laying upside down on the bed, his hair pressed to his sweaty forehead and a proud smirk on his face. 

Ben, who was laying by the headboard smirked, throwing one of Callum's striped socks at him. "After that?" Ben teased, "You ain't ever getting away from me." 

They fell back into a peaceful silence for a couple of minutes, Ben reaching down the bed so he could draw a pattern up and down Callum's naked thigh. 

"When did you realise?" Callum asked, staring up at the ceiling and looking peacefully content. 

"I would stay awake whenever you would go on a date out of fear that you wouldn't come home." Ben started, "One night i even went to text you with an excuse so you would come home earlier...I also wanted to punch Sam in the face." Callum laughed, "Just to name a few things." 

They were quiet again, before Ben was grabbing the duvet and crawling over to Callum so he could lay under his arm. Pausing from where he was drawing circles on Callum's chest, he frowned. "You deleted his number right?" 

"Why, jealous?" He joked. 

The look Ben gave him in response was enough to have Callum laughing, "It's me you love." 

His boyfriends? eyes softened, "Apparently so." 

**Author's Note:**

> find me 
> 
> [tumblr](https://calnben.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/calnben)


End file.
